The Story of Igor the Feisty Female Hunchback Guppy & her Tragic and Inevitable Demise

Cicciatello and the Guppy Gang, at the wake

The saga of my goldfish "habit" started a long, long time ago. As a child unlucky enough to be allergic to every conceivable pet-like animal except for goldfish (and rodents, which I hate), my parents (who were also neat freaks) were happy to by-pass the whole "family dog" thing.

Instead, my dad kept and managed an amazingly large tank of fish. Most commonly we had sword tails, mollies, neons and, of course, guppies. I grew to appreciate the delicate balance that is the aquatic world of fish: cannibalistic mothers, inter-family fights, agressors, runts - they've got it all.

For various reasons, after I first moved out of the parental home to go to school abroad at the age of 17, I stopped having pets - until our first year in London, a little over two years ago, when I decided in a fit of ecstatic and probably hormone-driven maternal instinct to buy Matt a giant fish bowl and two beautiful Pearlscales for Valentine's Day. We named them Timo and Tima and those two fish, believe it or not, brought us (or at least me) as much joy as any dog could have.

Timo & Tima: a love story akin only to
Old Dan and Little Ann of Where the Red Fern Grows

Pearlscales and goldfish in general can live a very long time - 20+ years if the conditions are right. They interact with people in basic ways, dancing around when they see you near, or if it's feeding time, sucking at your finger and even allowing you to "pet" them sometimes (I know, you're not supposed to, but who could resist!). It was these lovely little fish who taught me exactly how intelligent fish can be.

They were also the reason that even after their unfortunate and debatebly shady deaths (the pet shop had a break out of Ick in their tanks the week after I bought some Black Moors and put them in my tanks; Timo died a slow painful death from Ick and Tima soon followed, dying of heartbreak; the pet shop owner pretended she didn't know what I was talking about), I continued to buy more fish and eventually encountered Igor, the hunchbacked female fish, who, sadly, passed today.

The Story of Igor the Feisty Female Hunchback Guppy
and her eventual and tragic demise

a likeness of Igor; photo credit.

I bought Igor, who was really not named Igor until she became a hunchback (something Matt throws in my face as proof of my cruel and callaced nature in dealing with the fish), along with four other female guppies and two male guppies about a year ago. I had been burnt pretty badly with the pearlscales so I figured guppies would be easier to deal with - there's more of them, they are smaller, and they don't generally dance for you when you are about to feed them the way Timo and Tima did.

Plus, I remembered my dad breeding the guppies as a kid and thought that might be fun.

After months and months of "trying," one day I woke to find a swarm of midget fish in my fish bowl. Luckily I had supplied them with ample hiding places by adding lots of plants to the bowl. They successfully avoided the cannibalistic, ravenous mothers and grew. After about two months we had gone from having six guppies to having about 40-50, plus a morbidly obese pearlscale who I couldn't resisit buying at the pet shop named Cicciatello ("Ciccia" in Italian can be slang for "chub," btw).

Basically the quality of life for all the fish deteriorated from there. There were too many of them and despite my attempts at keeping the bowl clean (both literally and figuratively), the mating did not stop and the males, in fact, seemed to become more determined to harass the females now that they had about a million to choose from.

The natural habitat could only sustain this for so long, and after Christmas break I noticed the population had regulated itself. All but two of the original females survived, and one of those died soon thereafter, leaving only Igor. Over the course of January and February, Igor, Cicciatello and only about 10 other baby guppies survived. Three of the mature babies were males who seemed to find joy only in bothering Igor. After a few weeks, she became a deformed hunchback, able only to swim sideways and spending most of her time floating at the top of the tank on her back or hiding in the plants, earning her the infamous moniker.

Admittedly I wanted her to die. I hoped she would perish quickly on her own and so it took me a lot longer than usual to administer fish medicine. It was around this time that she started to actually HOBBLE as she swam (maybe calling her Igor was cruel?). But despite the many handicaps, she could still hold her own in fighting the other fish off and was often the first to get at the food and nip at Cicciatello for being a pig. Every morning at feeding time I would yell out "Igor is still alive!" and Matt would yell back "You are such a jerk! Put her out of her misery!"

This morning, after a long sad battle with what was either a severe swim bladder problem or a case of old age combined with pitiless sexual harassment, Igor gilled her last oxygen.

This post is in memoriam of Igor the feisty hunchback and all the other undeserving casualties (past and future) of my little fish world.

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Things I've learned from Igor's Sad Demise

or, why fish are people too, dammit

3. Amateur Guppy Breeding - not exactly child's play.
One thing you may or may not have know about me, even if you know me pretty well, is that I dabble in amateur guppy breeding. And by that I mean that I allow my guppies to indulge in copious amounts of unprotected sex (as is their wont by nature) and procreate in my fishbowl. As I mentioned, I even bought a maternity tank for the purpose and had some success with it, fighting bouts of cannibalism among the mothers and sexual harassment among the males. I'm hardcore, what can I say?

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Among the less known facts of guppy life is that they are essentially the nymphomaniacs of the fish world. The males will relentlessly harass the females to mate, even unto death, if you let them. Which is why your fish supplier (pet shop guy) should really advise you to have at least 3 females to 1 male guppy in your tank.

When my older guppies started dying off, the "torrid and tangled" part of the guppy sex life came out. The ratio was thrown off, and I'm convinced that Igor, once a happy middle-aged female, was actually hounded-about-sex-to-death by the younger male bucks. Pretty awful.

Lesson learned. Fish are people too. So if you're gonna breed them, keep an eye on the ratios and living conditions or you just may end up with an Igor on your hands.


2. Believe it or not, there is such a thing as fish euthanasia.
I did read up on the possibility of euthanizing Igor. I wanted to be humane (despite what Matt may tell you), but in the end the idea of actually killing Igor seemed worse to me than just letting him fight it out to the end himself.

I mean, oddly and morbidly enough, I spent yesterday afternoon considering issues such as the need for a last will and testament, and even after a few minutes of that felt irrepressibly wronged by the universe despite not being dead. I had this intense sensation that all I wanted to do was keep-on-keepin-on and that nobody and nothing should ever be able to take that away from me. I guess maybe I thought Igor might feel the same.


1. I need a dog. Or a child. Preferably both.
It might be time for me and me Elmyra-esque fish obsession to take a chill pill.

I think the best cure for that would be a more vocal "pet." :D


Elmyra on pets: "I just wanna hug them and love them and squeeze them to pieces!"

In Hopes of Spring Day 7: Bircher Muesli

If I was a flower growing wild and free...

I woke up this sunny morning with the most wonderfully Spring-ish, addictive song in my head.

It is now my duty to pass that on to you. In case you don't immediately recognize it, it's the song from the movie Juno. If that isn't enough reason for you to like it, then reading the actual lyrics and listening to the song just might be. It's pretty much guaranteed to make you want to grab a banjo and do a jig. The first line adequately sums up my Spring-induced happiness this London morning.

* * *

All I Want is You
Lyrics by Barry Louis Polisar

If I was a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I was a tree growing tall and green
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a river in the mountains tall,
The rumble of your water would be my call.
If you were the winter, I know I'd be the snow
Just as long as you were with me, when the cold winds blow.

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a wink, I'd be a nod
If you were a seed, well I'd be a pod.
If you were the floor, I'd wanna be the rug
And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were the wood, I'd be the fire.
If you were the love, I'd be the desire.
If you were a castle, I'd be your moat,
And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float.

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

* * *

So in the name of all fine Spring weather and banjo-jigs, today's topic is Bircher Muesli.

Muesli is a decidedly non-Mexican dish (apparently it is originally Swiss) which I was therefore not introduced to until a rather ripe age of 16 (yes, during that fabulous trip to Denmark).

Matt is a fiend for Muesli and since the entrance of good weather into our lives once again, has started making it in the morning. A couple of months ago he had Bircher Muesli on a morning flight and harassed me to buy the appropriate ingredients to recreate it for two weeks straight. I finally gave in and the end product was ok but not great. After a couple more attempts at it, I think we've finally come up with a decent combination of ingredients.

The two ingredients I would venture to say are the most important are:

1. The Yogurt
You really need good quality plain "Greek," or technically "strained," yogurt for this recipe. What makes strained yogurt different from the other stuff you get in the supermarket is that traditionally it was actually strained using muslin to remove extra water and whey, giving it a thicker consistency (think sour cream). It usually has a higher fat content too and is therefore less likely to curdle than normal plain yogurt - so you can use it in hot, cold, savory or sweet dishes as well (mmmm, ever had grilled Greek yogurt-marinated lamb? Crazy delicious.). In Bircher Muesli it is the glue that holds the entire dish together. I highly recommend it over the runny stuff for pretty much any yogurt-involving-recipe you have. Photo credit.


2. The Oats
I've been an oatmeal consumer since the very, very early days. I love that the British call it Porridge (and they insist it is different from American Oatmeal, but I've yet to notice any difference) - it really takes me back to that delightful "Please sir, can I have some more?" moment in the old movie version of Oliver Twist, which I watched in 2nd grade. The oats for this recipe don't have to be expensive, but they should be in good condition. In other words, they should not be powdered - get some nice medium to large size oats. It'll make a textural difference, I promise.

For Bircher Muesli you can also use flavored oatmeals, though we generally use plain. I would highly recommend the delightfully British Dorset Cereals brand, which I believe has actually spread to the US by now. Not only is their packaging really pretty, their oatmeal and muesli are both absolutely DELICIOUS. My favorite so far is the cranberry raspberry flavor. Photo credit.


Bircher Muesli should be made ahead of time and served cold, so it's perfect for someone in a rush in the morning. But if you're really a professed dally-er and lover of beauty, this dish is enough reason to get up half an hour earlier to watch the morning sunshine in your sunroom with the proverbial better-half, "All I Want is You" playing incessantly inside your head. :)

Happy Wednesday!

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Matt's Apple Bircher Muesli

Serves 2

Bircher Muesli these days is a loose term which refers to a breakfast dish based on uncooked oatmeal (or porridge oats if you're British) with any combination of fresh or dried fruit and nuts. This is our favorite version because we love tart things and the Granny Smiths combined with the cranberries really give it that irresistible pucker, but feel free to substitute and change quantities where you deem necessary. After all, Bircher Muesli, like Spring, is nothing if not serendipitous.


Ingredients

2 Granny Smith Apples, grated
1 1/2 cups uncooked plain rolled oats (you could also dabble with flavored ones)
1/4 cup raisins and dried cranberries mixed
1 cup Plain Greek Yogurt (the really thick stuff)
4-6 tbsps honey (to taste, really)
1 tsp grated lemon zest
2-3 tbsp fresh lemon juice
1/4 cup flaked almonds (or any nuts / seeds of your choice)

Procedure

1. Stir all the prepared ingredients together in a bowl until well-combined.

2. Ideally, allow to rest in the refrigerator overnight; otherwise, can be eaten immediately

3. Serve with some fresh slices of Granny Smith Apple and perhaps some extra almonds sprinkled on top.